The big bad world of dating....

For some time now a few friends have been encouraging me to write about dating. More specifically about those “horrible no good very bad” first dates.

For those of you still on the singles scene, you know it is not always the easiest place in the world but it does lend itself to being relatively funny on a regular basis. Also, please keep in mind that I have a propensity for attracting the most awkward and freakish-like men.

Seriously.

I was once hit on in a bar by the one cowboy who had tucked his jeans into his boots.

Really.

From the knees up- not a bad looking guy.

From the knees down- not a chance in hell.

But it was in South Carolina.

But still.

Not okay.

So, below are a few snippets of a few of my own dating experiences enhanced with those of my friends. Names have been changed to protect the innocent (or not so innocent as the case may be).

I am not going to say which are mine or which are my friends to….well….protect me ;) however for ease of writing purposes all stories are written on the first person.

The Loud One

Okay, I lied. This one is about me. I discovered after actually beginning to write that it’s much easier just to confess to which ones are me and those that are other people to make the actually act of writing them easier….writing in first person about someone else’s experience was more difficult than I thought it would be.

Nice guy. Olive Garden. Bomber jacket straight outta the 80s (and not like the cool Tom Cruise in Top Gun kinda Bomber Jacket).

Loudest “inside voice” in the free world.

Not kidding.

I do believe the whole restaurant heard this guy’s stories. And they really weren’t that entertaining.

However I did spend a good chunk of the evening with my hand gracefully placed in front of my mouth so that this guy didn’t realize just how hard I was trying not to laugh.

Not at him.

But at the absurdity of what has become my dating life and the fact that I was actually part of what was becoming a rather embarrassing dating situation.

After 30 minutes of him telling me his life story in his not so “inside voice” he says “So, how are you doing?”

Seriously? Do you really want the answer to that?

And then of course there was the duck-so-quick-into-my-car-I-almost-decapitate-myself move I had to do to avoid the impending slow motion movie-like “I’m moving in for a kiss” move.

Nope. I’m outta here.

A “wee bit too much to drink” one

This is not me.

This is about a friend that told me this story.

About how she drank too much on a first date with a guy.

Puked in his bathroom.

While he watched.

And then had to crash on his couch because she couldn’t drive home.

Enough said.


The suspected killer

This also is not me.

Thanks goodness!

This is about a friend that did a speed dating event.

She really clicked with this one guy.

She Googled him.

He was a “person of interest” in a woman’s murder in a neighboring state.

Enough said….again!

The Clingy Guy.

We didn't even make it to the first date.

Prior to that he had already become "clingy guy".

After trying the subtle "I'm not returning your calls" plan I finally had to point blank tell him that I no longer wished to speak with him.

Two weeks later he texts me "I think we can talk now".

I think not.

And........we're done with you.

The "Enough About the Ex-wife Already" Guy

This is about me.

Damn it.

Nice guy. Great dinner. Good conversation.

Then he had a few glasses of wine.

And I had to become counselor Tiffany.

While he talked about his ex-wife.

And why he hates his ex-wife.

And why they shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.

And why can’t he just meet a nice woman?

Because you keep talking about your ex-wife, jack ass.

So, there it is.

A disclaimer: there are some very nice men who I have gone on dates with but, well, quite frankly, they’re just not as entertaining as the above mentioned guys.

Seriously.